≡ Menu

How to Find the Man of Your Dreams

Next week is Valentine’s Day friends. Do you wish you could find the man of your dreams? Who doesn’t? Some days I know for sure, and some days it’s highly questionable, but after thirteen years of marriage one thing is true: He is mine. But it took a few detours and crash landings to find him.

Growing up I did things the easy way. I followed the rules and made every attempt to avoid trouble. Some might say I was a bit boring. They might be right.

But when it came to love I made a lot of mistakes. Got myself in a lot of trouble. From a young age I was attracted to a dangerous type – well, as dangerous as a boy could be in a small midwestern town in the 80s. (not.very.dangerous…) But after one particularly bad experience with a boy I went back to my high school sweetheart and married him right out of high school. Some might say that was dangerous. They might be right.

Not because he was a bad boy (he wasn’t) but because I didn’t know who I was. Just a girl in a small town with only 20 years of life behind her I didn’t have a clue who I was, what I wanted, or who I could become. I hadn’t yet learned how to be alone without feeling lonely, and I hadn’t even started to dream. How could I find someone who was meant for me if I didn’t even know who I was? The answer, I learned, was quite by mistake. And quite opposite of everything I had tried thus far.

Man of Your Dreams BQ-2

Here’s how I found the man of my dreams, and I am confident that you can too:

1. Stop looking for him.

It may seem counterintuitive but it’s absolutely true. The more you chase after him the less likely you will find him. Because you will go to places like bars and clubs and online dating sites and look. And when we look with our eyes we don’t see as clearly with our heart. When we chase down who we think we want, we miss who is meant for us. Your job isn’t finding a man, it’s finding who you are.

2. Discover who you are.

You will never hope to find the man of your dreams if you don’t first discover who you are and what dreams you have! If your only goal is to be married you will hook up and settle down and realize down the road that you just plain settled. Discovering who you are requires you to take risks. It requires you to learn how to be alone. It requires you to fall in love with who YOU are first.

3. Pursue your passion.

When you figure out who you are and how to be alone you will begin to dream. You will find your mind wandering to all that is possible, where before you only saw impossible. Armed with confidence from your newfound self-sufficiency and self-love you will realize you don’t need a man. You just merely want one to come alongside and take the journey with you. Let me tell you a little secret: that is the most attractive thing to a man. Ever, period, bar none.

4. Find him along the way.

Somewhere lost in your dream, pursuing your passion, when a boy (or man) is truly the farthest thing from your mind – he’ll show up! Perhaps you’ll sit down at a table at the local Starbucks to study law and look up to see a bald guy sitting right across from you asking for your number. (Well at least that’s how it happened to me)…


The point is this: if you think you need a man he will know it. The deepest heart of a true man doesn’t want a girl who needs him. He wants a girl who simply wants him to join her already full and happy life.

As wildly as you pursue a man – shift course and pursue YOU. Find yourself; find your confidence, desires, passions and dreams. And then. Then, and only then, will even be ready for the moment when you truly stumble upon the man of your dreams.

• • •

With Valentine’s Day ahead I wanted to share a few of my newest favorite things. You know, just in case you want to help your Valentine get it right by picking up a little something you love for you too! You know, just in case he forgets. 🙂

  1. COR44 Personal Training Cards:  Of course these are my favorite, favorite new thing! Love working out but aren’t sure how to strength train? Want a personal trainer but can’t afford one? Personal Training Cards™ are the perfect tool to help you find your strength. Don’t forget to download the free monthly calendar too!
  2. SkinCeuticals Antioxidant Lip Repair: Can I just say…THIS? Whoa. This is amazing and I’m not sure where it’s been all my life. You need just a tiny dab and it’s like heaven for your lips. Who needs a little lip therapy after this crazy winter? This girl.
  3. Super Invisible Socks at Athleta: Um, hi. These socks are amazing and they make me happy. Ya’ll, it’s the little things. I bought them yesterday afternoon and haven’t taken them off. We’re going on 36 hours and I have no plans to take them off anytime soon. Believe me, I know the price is a little cray for socks but I love them so much I just ordered more. I’ve never spent this kind of money on socks. Until now.
  4. Seiche Vite Dry Fast Top Coat: I was at a girls weekend retreat a few weeks ago when I learned about this little magician. After a few rounds of gel nails my own are fragile and thin. Taking a break ala home manicure, this little gem might make it permanent! It makes regular polish look like gel and LAST like gel, but come off with regular nail polish remover. See? Magic!

Happy almost Valentine’s Day my friend! I hope you find the man of your dreams next week but if you don’t, or if he fails to follow through, grab a little something for yourself and remember it’s good to love you too. xo

If you would like to receive future posts like this to your inbox sign up here and receive a FREE copy of my ebook: Finding the Extraordinary in an Ordinary Life!  Get to know me more by following my Facebook pagePinterestInstagram or Twitter
 where I post daily photos, questions & encouragement!

{ 28 comments… add one }
  • Cindie Klein January 19, 2014, 4:45 pm

    Love this article…Let’s hear more on loving your self…

    • Tammy January 20, 2014, 1:52 am

      so glad to hear that! stay tuned cindie! 🙂

  • Mother-In-Law January 19, 2014, 5:22 pm

    This is SO true – I’ve got a close friend I’ve been trying to “teach” this truth to –
    So far with no success, I think you either “get it” or you don’t.

    • Tammy January 20, 2014, 1:52 am

      haha! perhaps so. well, never give up on her! 😉

  • Lauren January 19, 2014, 8:05 pm

    I liked reading your tips! I agree it is important to pursue your passions. I think it’s also important not to obsess about finding ‘the one’ but at the same time if you don’t put yourself out there you may end up waiting and waiting and waiting. It’s an balance 🙂

    • Tammy January 20, 2014, 1:49 am

      definitely a balance lauren! but i still stand firm that you gotta love yourself first! 😉

    • ZiaJing January 24, 2014, 2:03 am

      I agree with you Lauren. As for me, I never tried finding Mr. Right. The right time will come when destiny will lead us together. LOL!

  • Annie January 21, 2014, 7:49 pm

    I think I need to save this one for Lilly. 🙂

  • jill January 27, 2014, 2:10 am

    Thanks. This is very helpful. This is giving me the courage in starting a life my heart desires…

    • Tammy January 27, 2014, 3:36 am

      i’m so glad it resonated with you jill! chase your dream!

  • Karyn February 8, 2014, 5:37 pm

    I love this: “and when we look with our eyes we don’t see as clearly with our heart. when we chase down who we think we want we miss who is meant for us.” There is so much peace with being with the right person, even if it isn’t who we expected. Great article.

    • Tammy February 8, 2014, 7:56 pm

      thank you karyn! blessings to you.

  • Tracy April 2, 2014, 3:23 pm

    But what if you’ve done all of these things, and you still never find him? What if you’ve NOT looked for him for most of your life (before you realized that marriage is something you DO want), you learned how to be alone, you discovered who you are, and you made a life for yourself? Yet despite it all, you still know in your heart that he’s the one thing missing, and yet he still never comes? Does God think I’m not worthy of the man of my dreams? In all seriousness, what if He didn’t create anyone for me???

    • Tammy April 6, 2014, 11:22 pm

      Oh Tracy, such deep questions of the soul which I don’t know the answer. I do know that God made you worthy. Wholly and deeply loved. And I believe He created someone for everyone. Not only someONE but someoneS! But I cannot pretend to know your story or what lies ahead. But I know that God loves us far more than we love ourselves and His desires are far better than ours. Be patient. Wait on Him. He is working out all the details in wait. {hugs}

      • Tracy April 7, 2014, 2:06 pm

        Thanks for the encouraging words, Tammy. God’s plan may be for me to walk this world alone, and that’s just a hard pill for me to swallow. I pray that He gives me the strength to accept whatever may lie ahead.

        • Sandee February 6, 2015, 5:29 pm

          Tammy… I’m just like you now into my late 50’s I put god first all my life. done all of these things, and I still never find him? What if you’ve NOT looked for him for most of your life (before you realized that marriage is something you DO want), you learned how to be alone, you discovered who you are, and you made a life for yourself? Yet despite it all, you still know in your heart that he’s the one thing missing, and yet he still never comes? –
          You watch as friends marry once twice some even more god seems to give them the desires of their hearts [with a lot of sorry and suffering along the way ] yet god forgets the desires of my heart that is to marry I never ever thought id still be single and in my late 50’s I believe the lie that put god first and he will eventually come well he hasn’t
          and now im forever alone

  • Barbara Scoggins October 16, 2014, 8:28 pm

    Thank you for putting into words what really happens when we learn to be at peace, love ourselves , our life of solidarity first. The universe just knows you are ready to open your heart to another, he or she will appear without any struggle at all. This happened to me after making the decision to be silent, love my peaceful solidarity, learn to appreciate the love you do have with family and true friends. Note: It took years to get to this place of serenity. The “One” came along when I wasn’t looking, even interested. I thank GOD every day now that my best friend showed up.

  • Sarah Purdy December 29, 2014, 9:32 pm

    I agree with number 1. He came when I stopped looking. Love really shows up when you least expect it.

    • Tammy December 30, 2014, 9:24 pm

      I agree Sarah! So glad you’ve found the man of your dreams. xo

  • Elissa Hetrick January 15, 2015, 5:37 pm

    This of course isn’t the first time I’ve heard the advice, love will show up when you stop looking or when you least expect it- but I have a major problem with this. If you go about your life- for years even. You build a career and passions, you fall into routines and make friends, it is so easy to wake up in your 30s and realize, oh no, I’m still single- what happened, they never showed. But, you never went out looking either. Everyone just thinks these things just happen. The fact is, that is rare. If you are like me, in a very female dominated world- “he” doesn’t just show up. People have to be willing to put themselves out there.

    • Tammy January 15, 2015, 6:36 pm

      Totally agree Elissa. It’s not at all about isolating. I believe it’s a combination I guess, not searching for him or obsessing, but putting yourself out there discovering who you are, doing the things you love, so that you find someone (hopefully) with similar interests and passions. Best wishes!

  • Claudia January 31, 2015, 1:01 am

    Love everything about this article! Some of the best advice I have ever recieved.

  • catherine February 24, 2015, 3:06 pm

    I need more advice! I love this article.

  • Simone March 7, 2015, 6:37 pm

    Stellar advice! I think you are absolutely right, especially about not looking for him and figuring out who we (the love seekers) are first. Thankfully, I learned this before ever getting into a serious relationship. For the most part, I know who I am and now I am pursuing my passion. The journey to establishing myself and making a name for myself has been much more fulfilling than making my life about finding my one true love. Having a man is not the key to happiness. We all have our own lives to live and our own callings to discover and unlock. I and any other woman cannot be defined by a man, so let’s not obsess over finding a man.

  • Nicole September 5, 2016, 3:56 pm

    What a wonderful article to stumble upon and I’m more than thankful I did. I am on the verge of thirty and feel so far behind from all my friends who are getting married and having kids. I have an amazing life but haven’t quite mastered the sit and wait or truly loving who I am. But I was desperate and on-line dating was convenient so I tried. Somewhere along the way I was desperate enough to ignore the warnings my heart and gut were telling me. But after a week away I came back and walked away knowing I was doing the right thing by loving myself more than being in an unhealthy relationship. It wasn’t until I left did I see his true colors and I think God every day that I chose me over an us. It’s an amazing reminder to me that it’s is timing and not mine. That it’s his plans for my life not mine and that loving me is far more important that I ever realized. Thank you for this article and the article about waiting..

    • admin September 7, 2016, 2:06 am

      Oh Nicole, good for you. What a gift it is to listen to the voice of God in you. So glad you’re here. xo

  • Carl Gipson March 8, 2017, 10:55 pm

    Thank God for You and Your Ministry,There are many Single Women and Men that struggle with problem of Patience, waiting on God’s Person for them.They believe the lies of satan that they’re not good enough,or what do my friends thank about me not having someone in my life.Satan starts putting people who are not interested in the person,but what theycan get,and when they get all they can then they’re gone. I pray for many people who keep living in bondage of satan’s lies and deception. I pray for You and all the Wisdom God Gives You.Keep praying, keep fighting, don’t give Up, never give in,God wants You in His Family! He would do anything to have You in His Family.He bought You with His Son, the the most Loved Person in God’s Kingdom.He knew You were a Gem,a person very important to His Family through Jesus’s Love and passion of serving others.God Bless You, keep up the Ministry He gave You,My prayers are always with You Tammy.Amen.

Leave a Comment

Next post:

Previous post: