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When surrender feels a lot like fear

surrender and fear

We’ve all got dreams, right? Some of us specialize more in nightmares and I can certainly relate as I had a bad one last night. I’m not sure my husband will ever live it down.

Nightmares can scare us to death, but dreams are a whole different monster. They’re trickier. More elusive and complex. And while nightmares never end well, dreams can go either way. If we’re honest there’s a lot of hope and faith and fear all mixed together. 

A few weeks ago I very unexpectedly came upon a dormant dream that opened up before my eyes in full color. I was watching the IF Gathering and something Jennie Allen said felt like she literally grabbed all the threads of my life and pulled them together like a knapsack. And I don’t even use the word knapsack. Over the last two weeks, hundreds of ideas, thoughts, plans and possibilities have rushed out of me in a torrent of words and pictures, texture and color. I wake up every morning with a new idea. A new piece of the puzzle. Each part of it bringing up a different stage of my life. My story. My faith.

And the truth is I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know when it will happen, how it will come together or what purpose it will serve, but I know that every step I have taken boldly in faith has landed me on solid ground. I believe this will be no different. But if I’m honest I’m still a little bit scared. I’m still wondering if God should use someone else. Do you sometimes wonder if God should pick someone else?

I’ve gotten comfortable enough with my weaknesses I can see it: Perfectionism. It dies hard. And I know, somewhere in the distant periphery I’m trying to plan it perfect. Right from the start I’m trying to account for every possibility, and get it all right. I’m afraid to do something wrong. To fail. As if I have that much control. Just when I started to feel the overwhelming nature of all that I do not know and all that I am not, I came across this quote:

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. …I’ll meet you there.” ~Rumi

What if we just went out to meet Him? There, in the field of the unknown. Right there at the intersection of our dream and His great big world of possibility. What if we stopped trying to control it and plan it and just surrendered it to Him? The One who wrote it.

The more I watch, the more I see that God doesn’t call people who are completely equipped and trained and capable to do His will. Because if He did, He clearly would not call me. He calls the ones willing to step forward unprepared and untrained. The ones willing to risk their reputation to reach just one. The ones who have eyes willing to see. You see, I believe God calls the unqualified to serve because that’s where He can show up and reveal His strength, His power and His purpose in spite of us. That in every wrong move, He makes a way.

This dream is every part of me. The tender heart, the inspiration junkie, the soul encourager, the fitness fanatic and the fierce competitor. Every part of me comes together, and yet I cannot do it alone. It feels so personal, yet I want to share it with the world. So vulnerable and yet so strong. Me, and yet every single one of us.

But the coolest part of it all – the thing I can’t shake – is how God has provided for every detail in my life to bring me here, to this day. Every struggle I’ve faced in relationships, rejection or abandonment – every goal I’ve achieved out of discipline and determination – every step I’ve taken out of fear or faith or conviction – I look back and see how each one was part of bringing me to this next step.

No matter how many mountains we climb, He’s just preparing us for the next summit. He’s just asking us to say yes. And meet Him in the field.

Has your dream turned into a nightmare? Instead of striving, how might you surrender the right and wrong and just step out to meet Him in the field?


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{ 8 comments… add one }
  • Daisy @ Simplicity Relished February 18, 2015, 8:05 am

    I so so so love this. It spoke to my heart. Thank you.

    • Tammy February 18, 2015, 9:41 pm

      You’re welcome Daisy, I’m so glad.

  • Stephanie February 19, 2015, 8:04 am

    This post spoke volumes to me. Thank you for allowing God to speak through you is such a powerful way!

    • Tammy March 26, 2015, 11:03 pm

      Thank you Stephanie! I’m so honored to hear it. Blessings! xo

  • Jenielle Harpster February 19, 2015, 4:07 pm

    I love this soo much! God is definitely using you in mighty ways! Thank you for being obedient and blessing so many along the way!

  • Esther March 16, 2015, 6:36 pm

    I literally feel like I was reading my own thoughts when reading this! I am in a very similar place in my life right now and it’s scary and exciting all at once. I pray that I can surrender and allow God to use me.

    • Tammy March 26, 2015, 10:49 pm

      Praying that for you as well Esther! xo

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