There are so many days I feel broken.
Days I feel the aching loss of all that has gone wrong. All I have failed to do, all that I cannot be. To those whom I’ve become enslaved to their words and their criticism. All that they know of me seen through the dark lens of judgment.
It seems that critics, judgment, ridicule, rejection and flat out meanness rise to the surface of the everyday life. They’re so easy to find.
And though we know in our hearts that all these things overflow from a bitter and jealous heart, it hurts just the same. God made us to live in community, to have soft hearts toward one another.
And if we live true to the nature that He created, it hurts deeply. So deeply.
We were made to be free and yet we live enslaved to idols of acceptance, inclusion, affirmation and love.
We coach ourselves to be strong. To thicken our skin. To raise our walls, walk away, and hate them back. To become more like them to save our heart.
But I cannot. I will not.
I’d rather be broken.
Who said that to remain whole we have to close off a part of us? The most powerful, greatest part of ourself: our heart.
The part that makes us soft, moldable, lovable, full of grace. The very beating breath that makes us different from those who mock, judge, and live with a critical spirit.
No. I will not break myself.
And if that means I allow this world to break me in other places then so be it. I refuse to break my own spirit. To sacrifice the essence of who I am for my critics.
So I’m resting in Him. Putting my faith in what I cannot see — that He is there somewhere holding me. And because I cannot find Him right now doesn’t mean He isn’t really there. He loves, and He knows, and He cries with us in our brokenness. In the places where we feel we are literally torn in two.
It’s the tattered and threadbare who are real. The ones with enough courage to let this life break us and allow Him rebuild us whole.
When we numb the dark, we numb the light. When we cover the pain we steal the joy. I’d rather feel it all: heartache and heartbreak, and unspeakable joy.
We are not broken. Not really.
Only through the lens of our shared brokenness do we see that we are better together – tapestry woven of the finest fabric of the human experience: unconditional love, pain, joy, tragedy and the enduring faithfulness of a Heavenly Father who offers us wholeness.
Is there an area of life where you feel broken? Your marriage, your parenting, your family or relationships?
If you’re feeling broken, take heart. You’re in good company.
Remind yourself that God is for you, with great plans to prosper you. The perfect and beautiful thing about brokenness is our tangible need for our Father. We’re sensitive to His presence, His gifts, His tender whispering to our soul. Perhaps like me, you feel Him breaking you from idols. From some good things that stand in the way of a fuller, more dependent relationship with Him.
Let Him prune. Let Him cut away the thorns. Will you please trust in Him?
Do not break in your brokenness. Do not harden your heart or erect walls of shame, insecurity, hatred and revenge. Unclench your fist, open your hands and let Him work. He is building you strong. He is making you whole.