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(un)broken

There are so many days I feel broken.

Days I feel the aching loss of all that has gone wrong. All I have failed to do, all that I cannot be. To those whom I’ve become enslaved to their words and their criticism. All that they know of me seen through the dark lens of judgment.

It seems that critics, judgment, ridicule, rejection and flat out meanness rise to the surface of the everyday life. They’re so easy to find.

And though we know in our hearts that all these things overflow from a bitter and jealous heart, it hurts just the same. God made us to live in community, to have soft hearts toward one another.

And if we live true to the nature that He created, it hurts deeply. So deeply.

We were made to be free and yet we live enslaved to idols of acceptance, inclusion, affirmation and love.

We coach ourselves to be strong. To thicken our skin. To raise our walls, walk away, and hate them back. To become more like them to save our heart.

But I cannot. I will not. 

I’d rather be broken.

Who said that to remain whole we have to close off a part of us? The most powerful, greatest part of ourself: our heart.

The part that makes us soft, moldable, lovable, full of grace. The very beating breath that makes us different from those who mock, judge, and live with a critical spirit.

No. I will not break myself.

And if that means I allow this world to break me in other places then so be it. I refuse to break my own spirit. To sacrifice the essence of who I am for my critics.

So I’m resting in Him. Putting my faith in what I cannot see — that He is there somewhere holding me. And because I cannot find Him right now doesn’t mean He isn’t really there. He loves, and He knows, and He cries with us in our brokenness. In the places where we feel we are literally torn in two.

It’s the tattered and threadbare who are real. The ones with enough courage to let this life break us and allow Him rebuild us whole.

When we numb the dark, we numb the light. When we cover the pain we steal the joy. I’d rather feel it all: heartache and heartbreak, and unspeakable joy.

We are not broken. Not really.

Only through the lens of our shared brokenness do we see that we are better together – tapestry woven of the finest fabric of the human experience: unconditional love, pain, joy, tragedy and the enduring faithfulness of a Heavenly Father who offers us wholeness.

unbroken

Is there an area of life where you feel broken? Your marriage, your parenting, your family or relationships?

If you’re feeling broken, take heart. You’re in good company.

Remind yourself that God is for you, with great plans to prosper you. The perfect and beautiful thing about brokenness is our tangible need for our Father. We’re sensitive to His presence, His gifts, His tender whispering to our soul. Perhaps like me, you feel Him breaking you from idols. From some good things that stand in the way of a fuller, more dependent relationship with Him.

Let Him prune. Let Him cut away the thorns. Will you please trust in Him?

Do not break in your brokenness. Do not harden your heart or erect walls of shame, insecurity, hatred and revenge. Unclench your fist, open your hands and let Him work. He is building you strong. He is making you whole.


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{ 3 comments… add one }
  • Krista August 11, 2013, 7:27 pm

    The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
    He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
    2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
    to comfort all who mourn,
    3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
    to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
    the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
    and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
    They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:1

    Love you dearly….

  • K August 14, 2013, 3:42 am

    Love it. I will tell you that before I read this I was told about a party for a girl who was a very close friend, sister, and part of my family for over 10 years. We have many of the same dear “old” friends and we both have made dear “new” friends. This will be the second birthday I was not invited to but this year didn’t hurt as bad. That yucky and confused feeling I had last year is not here this year. I am more at peace this year than last, but it was a battle. Here’s why: the dark lens of hate that you speak of is what I have been subjected to. People I have known for years have turned their backs to me. People who I don’t know but know I have never done anything to, have turned their backs to me. I have asked why a thousand times but never find the answer. why do old friends quit talking to you, spread lies and negative gossip about you, quit inviting you to do things? Why? when you know in your heart you have done nothing. Why do they believe others so willingly? Do people really have that much power over others? Why do people choose sides? I have learned many hard lessons; I have learned that some people are quickly and willingly going to look at you through a dark lens of hate, that other’s words DO have power, that what doesn’t break you makes you stronger, that letting go of the old and welcoming the new is a beautiful thing, how to protect yourself, what qualities you admire in others and want to surround yourself with, what you want to work on to make yourself a better person and friend, and the last big learning lesson for me and the reason I’m not hurting so much tonight is that saying goodbye welcomes new hellos and new friends who fill you up and do not see the world or others through the “dark” lens…..they can’t because they they don’t even know how to put it on! I heart you and appreciate you!

    • Tammy August 14, 2013, 7:32 pm

      mmmm, dear K. my heart aches with you, for you, i know how much it can hurt. but He’s building you strong in learning to trust in Him. carving out faith: the belief in something for which there is no proof. sometimes someone walking away is their greatest gift to you. linger. wait it through. He is building something really, really great in you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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